I work in marketing, where part of my job is to segment our customers. I started thinking of the types of Facebook users we run across and came up with this list of hilarious characters (excluding the common Troll since everyone knows and hates them).
Do any of these people remind you of your friends?
- In The Matrix, taking the Blue Pill symbolized believing in what one wanted to believe. That is your typical Believer, who accepts everything on the internet as the truth. This person sees satire articles (with headlines like “Obama Declares Guns and Jesus Illegal in Texas” or “LeBron James supports Donald Sterling: Wants no Black Fans at Heat games”) and will believe them 100%. With no thought of fact-checking, he forwards the articles to everyone, getting them riled up and ready for war. Soon, everyone is forwarding these articles, all because one person was too lazy to read the fine print. And that article will circulate and spread bad info for the next hundred years.
- Likes: To appear knowledgeable. To be the first one to spark heated emotions.
- Dislikes: Feeling dumb after seeing proof that they fell for an obviously fake article.
- These self-lovers take selfies every five minutes. Their photo albums are made up of hundreds of pictures. Correction: hundreds of the same pictures. With the same poses. In the same places. Would it hurt for them to change one up once in a while?
- Some of the biggest offenders are men who constantly post shirtless photos of themselves. And what’s up with these guys who send unsolicited pics of their privates to ladies? Do they think a woman has never seen one before?
- Likes: Plenty of ‘likes’ and compliments.
- Dislikes: Receiving no ‘likes’ or comments.
- These people create fake profiles and ask you to friend them. They want to troll you or get you to send money. These profiles always show a gorgeous woman who writes in poor English with no punctuation, asking for a friend.
- Who on earth still believes a woman looking like Beyonce or Jessica Alba needs to resort to making random friend requests online to meet guys? Please. They certainly wouldn’t be coming after a regular dude like me. These Catfishers (who are probably dudes anyway) should be thrown in jail. Let them make some new friends there.
- Likes: Money. Credit card info. Gullible men.
- Dislikes: Truth and honesty. Facebook administrators. The police.
- In the movie Training Day, Denzel’s character (Alonzo Harris) goes ballistic on a group of residents, promising them that they’ll be playing basketball in Pelican Bay prison and screaming ‘King Kong ain’t got @$%!^ on me’. That reminds me of the classic Facebook Blusterer.
- When Blusterers feel someone has disrespected them, they don’t simply vent. They explode. They post a vague stream of profanities against the offenders, which goes something like this: “To the person who did what you did, you know who you are and you know what you did. Don’t you EVER mess with me! I’m not the one! Test me! I don’t play!”
- So why are they called ‘Blusterers’? Because it’s mostly hot air. They never actually name or tag the offender in the post. Unless he has telepathic powers, there’s no guarantee he’ll even see the post, much less respond to it. Serious people don’t make vague Facebook posts that may never be read. They go to the offender’s house, beat the crap out of him, and then post about it as a warning to others. But a Blusterer makes these vague posts almost every week.
- Likes: Receiving attention. Creating drama. Feeling tough.
- Dislikes: Being ignored. Receiving feedback that they may be part of the problem.
- If you plan to DVR a popular show like Game of Thrones, 24, or Scandal, then don’t look at your phone when the show is on. At least, not if you don’t want to spoil the surprise when you finally watch it. Why? Because Reporters are the folks who provide real-time, play-by-play developments of the show for the entire hour. Admittedly, I’m one of them. If 24 is on, or my Ravens are in a playoff game, I’m posting about every development or every completed pass (to all my friends, I’m sorry. I will try to do better this season).
- Likes: To feel like part of the crowd. To be the first one to spread unimportant news. To live vicariously through sports teams.
- Dislikes: Posting updates too late. Realizing that no one cares.
THE SELF-PROCLAIMED EXPERT
- These are those people who create those memes or videos full of seemingly profound nuggets of wisdom—until you actually think about what you’re reading. Some of them have great advice, but many of them are simply unintelligible rants of one person’s opinion. Most of these people have no credentials, but it doesn’t matter. It could be the stupidest advice ever, but if it’s written inside a beautiful meme, it might as well be biblical because people will accept it with no questions. Give someone a cell phone and internet connection, and they’re an expert on nuclear physics or relationships.
- Actually, I’m just being a hater because they’re smarter than I am. Some of these people have thousands of followers. Me? Uh, not so much. I need to take a page from their book and start filming videos from the driver’s seat of my car so I look credible.
- Likes: A large number of followers. Mass sharing of messages.
- Dislikes: Requests to see credentials. Someone calling BS on their posts.
The bottom line is that we all exhibit these behaviors at some point, although some people seem to do so all the time. Nevertheless, I love seeing them. It’s what makes Facebook fun (for me at least).
Any other personalities I missed?